During our experience as TiM pastors, we will encounter many pastoral firsts. Yet, most of the "firsts" will be repeated on a regular basis, like worship leading, communion, pastoral visits. In fact, most of the regular ministry roles we have done through seminary and internship. But there are other firsts - weddings, funerals, baptisms - for which we are not prepared. Experiencing these firsts is an important part of this program, because we are able to converse with our colleagues, learn from each other, and develop confidence in these ministry roles with which we are not familiar. Learning in a classroom, from a pastor/professor, or out of textbook, just isn't the same as practical experience.
The baptism first came for me last Sunday. I was anxious, excited, and nervous. I thought I was prepared. I reviewed notes from senior worship practicum and looked through the ELW. I walked through the pre-baptism teaching with the family and talked through the rite. I held Carter in my arms. I even was able to practice a baptismal rite with a doll and Trinity 4th graders, as I taught them how to be "guardian angels." (Guardian angels pray for the baptized, watch over him/her, light the candle and read 'Let your light so shine...' at the service.) Yet the fear that came with presiding over a baptism encompassed me.
But why? I have seen many baptisms and assisted in a few. All the words are written down, all I have to do is read the print. But what happens if I drop the baby? Worse yet, what happens if I trip and fall down the chancel steps. (Insert DC Talk here - 'What if I stumble, what if I fall, what if I lose my step, and make fools of us all"). Yes, we proclaim forgiveness, and there is no bigger forgiveness stage than at baptism, but I am not sure forgiveness would be abundant if I rolled down the steps with a baby in my arms.
So during the service, my mind was in another place. I led worship (all but preaching), but kept thinking back to the baptism and visioned what would happen. In sports, we are taught to vision the positive outcome of the game, play, or shot, and it will happen. But I was also taught to vision all of the mistakes that could happen, because then they happen in my mind, and not on the playing field. I am not sure if visioning came from this learning, or if I just worry too much!
Yet, when it came time for the baptism, an amazing thing happened....God intervened. God took over the rite of baptism. My mind no longer thought of the past or future, but God allowed me to be fully present as an active participant in what God was doing. I didn't worry about tripping, or even think about it as I descended the steps. That doesn't mean everything was smooth - we are still sinners after all - but God's presence took center stage, instead of the worries and vanity of an idiosyncratic pastor.
As I reflect on the fear of presiding at baptism, I thought that fear may be appropriate. What God does through us as called children is powerful. Called to forgive and receive forgiveness and to share the good news of Jesus Christ. Called to conduct baptisms, preside over communion, preach and teach, in the name of the triune God is scary. If it isn't, maybe we should reevaluate where God is in all this.
As times goes on, I am sure I will become more confident and less fearful in all ministerial roles. I won't have to worry about it being a "first" or count how many I have done, because it will be a normal practice. Yet, each time I stand to preach, give communion, baptize, and visit, my prayer is that God continues to remind me of the fear I felt, because it is a reminder of the awesome presence of God in our midst. It is God doing the work, and not me. May we never forget.
Pastor Rick
